Gloomy

Sooo...

Where to start.

I had a dream last night where I was visiting my grandparents, and my grandad died very early in the morning, or else doing the night. I took my daughter to bed and then lifted my mourning grandmother, who weighed about the same. I set her on her bed and just held her.

No one else in the family had heard yet and kept asking when grandad was going to get up. And every time they asked, I cried.

It's not a dream that was out of no where. I actually leave in a few hours to visit him in Bountiful, Utah. I don't expect him to last to see May, and almost certainly not June. I'm fully prepared to go to a funeral while I'm out there this week if it comes to that. It's been hard. Here I am at 33 and I've never dealt with the death of anything more significant than a guinea pig (though let me tell you, i cried for that, dammit). I havent been sure how to feel. But when I pray about him, I feel like breaking down and crying.

Grandad has lived a long life. He learned Chinese to aid in intelligence during World War II -- and he was in Hawaii when Pearl Harbor was attacked. He's raised 7 children, and has something on the order of 25 grandchildren and at least a dozen great-grandchildren.  He's nearly 90 now. He's been a good, church-going man and has been a solid rolemodel for me.

What is it? Does this make me even more adult? Now I know one more thing to write about? I can now speak intelligently to the subject of grief? Is that what this is good for? Should I just break down and let it all out? I don't know.

Anyway, there's other stuff I was goign to mention, but I don't feel like it now.

Sorry I've been so long without a deviation. I have tons of pics in my camera, I just haven't gotten to it. Since I'll be out of town for a week, don't expect any before then. Peace.